I do like to eat out. I love the indulgent experience of sitting in a nice restaurant and having my food (and wine) brought to the table, and being able to ask for anything (within reason) by polite and efficient waiting staff.
It is one of life’s real pleasures.
But there is one thing that is increasingly bothering me. Indeed, I’d go as far to say that it is causing me a problem.
Now I’m not by nature an habitual grumbler (some who know me may disagree); but there is one increasingly prevalent aspect of the dining experience that does needle me.
Take for example the other day, when I dined with my wife and two friends in a rather pleasant restaurant in Chichester. Within five minutes I was on the receiving end of five “No problems”, one “No problem at all” and a “No trouble at all”.
Now, I know this derives from our Antipodean cousins, and in Australia all this eradication of problems is probably a fine and quite possibly natural concern. I haven’t actually been to Australia, but I can quite imagine that to hear a reassuring voice informing me (for instance) that the problem of poisonous spiders in the bathroom had been eliminated would be most welcome indeed.
Just like in the USA, where everyone is exhorted, at every turn, to “Have a nice day”.
Do we really need to import either of these sentiments, bearing in mind that both are alien to our very outlook on life?
Telling a Brit to “have a nice day”, when each day normally begins, at the very least, with the prospect of scattered showers and slow moving traffic on the M25, is tantamount to taunting.
And, as for problems… on these isles we have been raised with the expectation of every good thing being dashed from our lives as soon as it arrives: sunshine succeeded by a deluge; an opener’s century by a batting collapse. Don’t tell us there is no problem when we know damn well there will be – if not now, very soon afterwards.
So, please, don’t promise us “no problems” at the meal table. As eggs are eggs, a delicious meal is certain to be followed by a bad case of food poisoning.
And back to the meal that was ruined by the unfulfillable promise of all problems being removed… how about this for the first five minutes of conversation?
“May I take your coat?” “Yes, please.” “No problem”.
Is this table OK for you? “Yes, thank you.” “No problem”.
“Would you like some bread for the table?” “Yes, please.” “No problem at all”.
“Water?” “Thank you.” “No problem”.
“Could I see the wine list, please?” “No trouble at all.”
Thank heavens these things are not problems. After all, wouldn’t it be a shock to be told that bringing the wine list would be somewhat troublesome, or that there was going to be a bit of a problem with finding some bread, but they would do their best.
Whatever happened to “You’re welcome,” or “My pleasure,” or “Certainly sir/madam”? These made sense as well as being pleasant to my ear at least.
In many of our shops and restaurants, indigenous Brits now seem to have created our own riff on “Have a nice day” with “Enjoy the rest of your day”. Not ideal, especially if you were planning to have a right miserable afternoon watching your team being beaten, or reading the zodiac signs prognosticating the end of days. But somehow that feels to me a little more British.
There was of course an inevitability that globalisation would result in expressions from abroad entering our vocabulary, just as the French say “Le picnic” or “Le weekend”, although I believe French intellectuals still find such terms unacceptable.
And then, as the evening draws to a close:
“May I have the check (sorry, bill) please?” – “Of course you can”
I’m sorry – Of course I can have the bill?
I’m just waiting to hear in response to my request for the bill – “I’ll give it some thought” – or just “Maybe”
Perhaps we need to draw a line in the sand over unwanted imports like “No problem”. I’m sure it could easily be added to the British citizenship test…
SHAPE YOUR OWN FUTURE
Essential to everyone planning their future will be a detailed knowledge of just how much they need to fund their retirement – and for how long they will need to work. The answer is now available through a unique online retirement planning dashboard which allows you to feed in your income, outgoings and savings and map out a host of different future scenarios. You can try out the basic version of www.retireasy.co.uk for free.
